“Sometimes, my body feels like a burial ground for all the people I should have become.”— “Requiem” by Roe Gardner
vxpo:
Life Found In Monochrome by Michael Shainblum | Vanity-Exposition
Still around, still spending a ton of time helping other people make it through living in a pandemic. I have learned that I probably would have been a very good therapist, but I’m not sure if I’d have survived it.
Some things in life are suddenly looking potentially hopeful, while others, predictably, are the same or worse.
As the saying goes so eloquently in French, “Plus ce change, plus c'est la meme chose.”
Tiktok has some quality content
I love it
this is some beautiful content
First thing that’s made me laugh in at least a week
Odd calm
Apparently having suicidal ideation on a daily basis translates into being oddly calm about pandemics. The only thing I am even remotely worried about are friends/family who are immuno-compromised catching something.
There’s a game life plays
makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were
Like to take some time
Clear away everything I planned
2,000 posts on tumblr. Over 6 years of using this site to post things that I don’t want my “normal” social circle to see (seeing as the last time I made the mistake of giving voice to what was really going on inside my head to someone who didn’t really understand, I found myself woken up in the middle of the night by the police executing a wellness check on me called in by someone on the other side of the country…).
Unfortunately, very little has changed. What has changed has largely been for the worse. Somehow, I don’t know how, I’m still surviving…but only just. I’m not living for myself any more - rather, I’m staving off a “permanent solution” solely so that my dying doesn’t hurt the people around me. I suppose that’s as much tikkun olam as I can muster, beyond running gaming events for people even when I’d rather just crawl into a hole or get on a one-way ship to Mount Doom (the cryovolcano on Saturn’s moon, Titan, i mean).
I’m supposed to be running a convention this Friday. The night before, my parents are driving through as they move cross-country…no idea when the next time they’ll be within driving distance again will be, or when I’ll see them next. We already know that Passover is out - this will be the first year in over two decades that I haven’t had First Seder with at least one of my parents, which is a weird feeling in and of itself, despite the fact that we’re not a super observant family.
…Listen (read?) to me, talking about stuff months away. Am I even certain I’m going to make it to this Friday? I’d ask the rhetorical question about if I even want to, but I already know the answer to that one.
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